On our way to the finish

I'm absolutely horrendous about updating this. Not for lack of thinking about it--just for an inability to sit at the computer and actually get a second to type it all out.

I had my 11th treatment last Friday. This Friday (1.10.14) marks my 12th and final treatment in my first round. 1.17.14, I start the next round of treatment, generally known as the "A-C round" for the two drugs I'll be given: Adriamycin and Cytoxan.

I saw the doc last week. He said to me, "I know I say this every week, but you're hair! ((dramatic pause)) You know you aren't going to keep that through the next round."

Gee, your bedside manner is overwhelming with empathy. I'm not mad at him for stating the obvious fact though--it's pretty remarkable that I've retained my hair thus far, but my luck is about to run out.

At first, you may all be wondering about the fuss surrounding hair and cancer. But think about it--when you think about what cancer looks like, in your mind's eye you see an emaciated person with a bald head. Cancer doesn't have many outward signs. Most of you see me day to day and I look pretty healthy (maybe overly-healthy--I've had a few snacks too many this round and probably before). When I do finally (inevitably) lose my hair, it will be the first real and outward sign that I am sick. You can't escape it. It's like being pregnant. The first few months you can get through life without too many questions, but once you start to show, everyone knows with just a glance.

My boys are aware of what's going on (V obviously more than J due to age) but I'm trying to figure out how to be an attachment-based therapist without forming new attachments right now. It's a struggle to figure out the boundary between reciprocal sharing for therapeutic rapport and sharing for your own benefit. Right now, I'm keeping the info to myself. I guess I'm waiting for the critical "showing" phase of cancer treatment to come up on me before I tell the families and kids I work with. So, if anyone has any ideas on how to be a Clinician who is sick and still working, I'm all about hearing it.

To go back to the beginning of this entry (you know, where I talk about how awful I am about updating)...it's taken me 3 days to write this.

Hope the holidays have been kind to you all and the new year is amazing!

<3,
Mary