TossBack Thursday

Okay, I'll admit it. I suck at keeping people up to date with this thing. The reasons are varied, but mostly venture into the "excuse" territory. 

When last we met, dear blogosphere, I was approaching the anniversary of my diagnosis as well as the beginning of another school year. We have now approached another anniversary. A year ago last week, I "lost" my hair.

 

This single moment (as well as the beautiful photography from Dina Goldstein) is one of the single most memorable of all the moments. I may pretend to be an open book my friends, but it is not easy for me to be vulnerable. Last year, I was brave and terrified; strong and vulnerable. I've learned and experienced so much over the last year. I've learned that having a completely bald head is terribly cold during a Minnesota winter; I've learned that I'm stronger than I ever thought possible and I've learned that it's okay to ask for help (which is something that I've always known and advocated for, but damn if I'm not a hypocrite sometimes--I can be a "do as I say, not as I do sort of gal"--shocking, no?). 

March, 2014

I've also learned more about myself over the past year +. If I haven't reached out to talk to you about my diagnosis, please don't think it's because I don't want to share. I'll answer any question--but it's incredibly hard for *me* to reach out and initiate. Partly because I lean towards being verbose and partly because...I want to be seen as more than my diagnosis. 

I've been called many things in my life, but the thing that's been most difficult to hear? "Strong". What you see on the outside is not always what it is inside. I think this is where my education has done me wrong...I have gotten really, really good at putting things away and only exploring my feelings when...shit. That's a lie. For a long time, I tried just never exploring them. It was too hard, too scary, too much. Over the past year, I've worked hard to be more aware and to talk more. Sharing is hard but I'm surrounded by incredible people who will catch me when I stumble. 

Damn you all for introducing me to Firefly...

So, what's next? I wish I knew. I'm generally reluctant to talk about these things because...see above. I honestly don't know what's next. The infusions (not quite chemo, but kind-of? IDK how to describe it--but the meds are Herceptin and Perjeta if you are interested to look them up) can really mess up your heart. Thus, they require a lot of monitoring. My heart was fine until this last echocardiogram--I had an EF of 65% previously (normal). But, suddenly, it was down to 45% (not good). Typically, hearts recover *just fine* after these infusions/chemo. I have been far, far from the typical case. So, we hold my infusion and we are currently in a wait-and-see mode. The way I see it, there are 3 things that could happen at my next appt (2.6): 

1. A repeat echo shows minimal improvement; they stop all treatments. 

2. A repeat echo shows some improvement; they give me 1 final treatment. 

3. A repeat echo shows some improvement; they give me 2 treatments. 

I have no idea how this will all go. I have a msg into the doctor. I've been reluctant to share this information with people, partially because I'd rather have all the information before passing it along to others. I'm a questioning sort of gal--I'd like to be able to provide all the answers. I hate "I don't know". 

I have also tentatively scheduled my real-pretend-boob surgery for April 2nd. When I saw my plastic surgeon this week (Dr. Cunningham), I asked if he had heard about the woman who had a goodbye party for her boobs, pre-mastectomy (he hadn't). 

"Why didn't I do that?!" I lamented.

"I don't know! It seems like something you would've done," he replied. "What did they do? Have boob cake?!"

"Nope, boob cupcakes"

"You could still do that...bring cupcakes to the OR! We'll have a party."

So, just in case you were wondering about the kind of care I get from my doctors...know that they're willing to have a goodbye party for my broken boob in April. 

Yeah...we're all going to be just fine. 

PS: A very, very big thank you to all who have donated over the past year. The money, food and gift cards you have given has allowed us to pay some of my medical bills! It's so very appreciated. I hope you all know that.

<3,

Mary