Before we walked into the office yesterday, I knew what the doctor was going to say. He listened to my lungs, listened to my chest and officially declared me "too sick" to have chemo this week. Despite my white blood cell count coming back ridiculously high (WTG, body! Working hard despite all the stresses) it just wasn't a chance he wanted to take. So between the cold and my newly diagnosed and rare hand-to-foot syndrome, it's pushed back until next week...which means my end date for this round is also pushed back. It was devastating to hear that my end date was changed. I so badly want to be done with this and move on to the next wave. I'm done with feeling awful due to the "treatment".
Speaking of next wave, I have a surgical date for my mastectomy: March 25th. I plan to work right up until that date, in order to preserve as much of my FMLA time as possible. The doctor anticipates that I'll be out for 2-4 weeks (mostly due to heavy lifting restrictions at my work). I haven't properly grieved the fact that I have to have this surgery. I've been informed by my clinical supervisor at work that I really need to do this. Sometimes, I feel as though being a therapist hinders my own ability to appropriately express my own feelings. It's just become such a habit to sit with them briefly and then tuck them into my back pocket. I'm so busy trying to function: as a wife, as a mom, as a therapist--I don't have time to sit in my fear and anger and sadness. Which is such a disservice to myself and my family! So, my goal for the next week is to find some time to sit in my feelings and to allow myself to feel all the feels about how much this situation truly sucks. If I don't, I don't think I'll ever truly heal from this. And, in the end, I'll do the social worker re-frame: I'll try to find the positive in this situation.
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