I am devastated. N didn't come with today because his company was purchased recently by another and I wanted to be conscious of his time off. I should've been more concerned with my own damn well-being.
Today isn't a good day. Today I feel like I live in a different "Neverland" than Peter and those upstarts, the Lost Boys. My Neverland isn't populated with fairies and food fights. It's filled with things like: It's never going to be over; there's never a finish line; It's never going to get better; The pain will never go away; you'll never be the person you once were...
I'm faced with a new reality, one I wasn't prepared to step into. I keep thinking that there's a finish line, but there isn't. There's never going to be a reality where I won't be affected by this cancer. Radiation for 6 weeks, expander for close to a year, surgery for reconstruction, surgery again as my body will (likely) reject the implant causing difficulties*; potential for different cancers down the road...I'm not making this up and catastrophizing. This is what I heard today. I never wanted cancer to define my life, but I'm not sure how it can't define it.
I don't want to hear that it will get better. I've heard that time and again...no one has been right yet. I feel like I'm half a person; I'm not able to live the life I want to live and I know I'll never be the same person I was. I desperately wanted to live in a post-cancer world, but today? Today it feels like that's a world that will never exist.
And for all you therapists (and non-therapists): I called someone today.
*From the Radiation Onc, I heard that 1 out of 2 women are somewhat dissatisfied with their reconstruction after radiation and 1 in 3 will need to have additional surgery due to rejection--which ALWAYS happens--it's the 1 in 3 that need surgery because of the complications of the rejection. I'm not just being overly negative here.
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